All the Love I Have To Give

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs.'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labor, he gave him $80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick $160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter..'

I know nothing about code, or customizing, or anything really (having only recently discovered that in fact it isn't a little man in the computer delivering my emails--possibly with his little black cat) and I've tried to follow the faq stuff about headers but nothing is working. Can anyone give me the dummies version of how to put something pretty at the top of my journal?!

New job, new layout, paid account, so much to say and do and I've been totally Top Gear about it all--ambitious, but rubbish....

and so, instead, I offer you this:

http://producten.hema.nl/

Don't click on anything, just watch what happens. Best catalogue ever!

More soon, I swear...maybe even some fic....

A Trip to Costco


Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no....I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.. Costco won't let me shop there anymore..

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to make up stuff.

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The keen eyesight to tell the difference.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet..
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Title: Domestic
Author: Goddess Michele
Date: August 2009
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Spoilers: nothing major could take place anytime after series 2 (established relationship)
Rating: post Watershed
Beta: I am my own worst beta!
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money made, all hail BBC.
Feedback: Yes, please! starshine24mc@yahoo.com
Archive: put it wherever you like, including any zines, just leave my name on it.
Summary: not about series three at all…
Author’s Note: 4/26 of the Whitney Petch Alphabet Challenge

( D is for Domestic )

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain
it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell
it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

After two months in Decatur Illinois! Home to the chaos of my cluttered apartment, home to great friends (who tote luggage like porters from heaven), home to brunch and tv night and my children of earth dvds (the declassified Ianto bit guts me over and over). Home to my fish and my plants and my houseboy's laundry all over the living room! And home to a working composer program so all of you who have moaned about my laziness over at Home of the Goddess, be prepared for massive updates this week!

Also, nothing here smells like soy. This is a good thing :D

When you see this, post a John Hughes movie quote in your journal.


"Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude."--Grace, Ferris Bueller's Day Off

see more Fail Blog

There are so many! But, third place, Jack and Ianto, definitely! Second place, Jim and Blair (the Sentinel)--gotta love that extrasensory perception!
And the number one TV couple for me?
Fox Mulder and Walter Skinner!

Any and all comments appreciated!

Table of contents: http://warriors-6.livejournal.com/7003.html#cutid2

My story: http://warriors-6.livejournal.com/3575.html

Thanks!

see more Funny Graphs

Title: Catamaran
Author: Goddess Michele
Date: May 2009
Fandom: Torchwood
Pairing: Jack/Ianto (Ianto Tosh friendship)
Spoilers: nothing major could take place anytime in series 2 (established relationship)
Rating: post Watershed
Beta: I am my own worst beta!
Disclaimer: Not mine, no money made, all hail BBC.
Feedback: Yes, please! starshine24mc@yahoo.com
Archive: put it wherever you like, including any zines, just leave my name on it.
Summary: Anywhere but here….
Author’s Note: 3/26 of the Whitney Petch Alphabet Challenge

( C is for Catamaran )